I found out that I was HIV positive in 2003. By then treatments had advanced to the point where one could choose to live with the disease when just a decade earlier it was something you’d most likely die from. Despite the fact that I had lifesaving medicines available to me, I was torn between accepting treatment and wallowing in my own denial and shame. Suddenly, the life that I’d envisioned for myself—one that included romance, health and family—was plagued with uncertainty, loneliness and stigma. For a long time I pushed my dreams aside, believing that I couldn’t live a full life with HIV. But eventually I worked through my shame, and the strength I gained allowed me to create new dreams.
Today I am healthy and living with HIV in an open, humble and confident way. Each day, I work hard to empower young women who naively believe that Prince Charming will protect them and keep his word—women who generation after generation put themselves at risk only to end up raising children alone, struggling to pay bills, and facing life’s challenges without the skills needed to compete.
My struggle has taught me that—as a woman—I am the architect of my destiny. HIV shattered my dreams but it also helped me rebuild them. Since my diagnosis, I have learned the importance of self-love and self-acceptance. For me, HIV was the beginning of the end: it was the end of shame, self-hatred, and irresponsibility, and the beginning of a new life.
Over the past 30 years, many brave people living with HIV and others fighting on our behalf have created a new reality—one in which I can proudly say that I have a real T4 cell count of 1,274 and an undetectable viral load. Also, because of this progress, a dream that I’d given up years ago is now coming true: I’m expecting my first and only child in December 2011—a child that will be born HIV-negative and raised by a confident, independent and loving woman.
Marvelyn Brown, 27, is an HIV consultant and the author of The Naked Truth: Young, Beautiful and (HIV) Positive. She lives in New York.