Privileged Gardener
By Deneen Robinson
I’m been thinking a lot about the last 15 years of my life. I wonder what my life would have been like if I had not learned that I was HIV+ on Aug. 30, 1992. I realize there are a few things that would have been different. I am not sure, however, that those differences would have made my life any better than it is at this moment. The doctors gave me six years to live. In this reflection, I realize that while I was planning to be here past the six years they originally gave me to live, it was only in my head. It was never in my heart. I did the practical things to be here so I could take care of my children. I was focused on being here to raise my children. I was not focused on being here for me. That works for a while, but at some point the children grow up. My children are now young women - 18 and 19. They are off and living what I taught them. How ironic. Now, I have to do the same. The difference, I now have to feel it. I have to want to live past HIV. So what is living past HIV? Living past HIV is many things. This article will be the first in a series on the topic. I have realized in the last years that it takes lots of courage to live. This virus is so exhausting --the medicine, the doctor visits, the thousands of ounces of water, the numerous bathroom visits, sleep apnea, exhaustion and so on and so on --all because of the virus. At least we believe these sudden additions to our life are because of the virus. I confess. This is something to share. I have been an advocate since I can remember. I believe I have done a good job in helping us adjust to living with HIV. I have also been a proponent for moving on, making adjustments, etc... There is something to be said however for looking past HIV and simply living. Just like everybody else. Waking up every day, doing what you do and also having HIV. The difference in this outlook is that HIV is not the focus. Living is the focus. Your dreams are the focus. Your career is the focus. Getting that degree is the focus. Building that business is the focus. Even if; like me what makes you get up every day is helping others learn and master HIV. With all the accomplishments in HIV in the last 10 years, we have to work toward living past HIV. Understand, it is a process, but a necessary step in what has become the “Living Cycle of HIV.” Step 1 - Grieve the “perceived” loss. Often most of us get stuck here for years. We spend our time angry, sad because we can’t do all these things. You have to say goodbye to those things you believe you will never be able to do because you have HIV. This is important because if you don’t you will be stuck. And you MUST move to live. Living past HIV takes courage. I have learned this as I raised my children, and, in the process, created a life that now I have to live. I must live with the same passion and courage I used to raise my children. I am excited, because I am continuing to evolve and I realize that I will be here for a while. Those seeds I planted 15 years ago are harvesting a crop that will need to be harvested. As the gardener, I take on that task with honor.