Privileged Gardener
By Deneen Robinson
I remember my first moments after learning I was HIV positive. There was so much to do. I had to figure out what to do with my children, and how was I going to get home to Dallas from Austin. I tried to call home and discovered there was no phone in my hospital room. The hospital staff had removed the telephone on my mother’s instructions. In insisted they put it back. I called home. My mother was not home. When I finally caught up with my mother, she told me the family was planning my brother’s funeral. In the same week I learned I was living with HIV, my brother was murdered. I was devastated. When I spoke to my mother I told her I was so ashamed. I apologized for bringing this shame to my family. My mother said, “You have nothing to be ashamed of. I still love you. Your family loves you, no matter what.” I remember thinking; this kind of thing does not happen to someone like me. I know there are others of you who have felt this way. After all, who expects to learn they have HIV? No one! More importantly, HIV should not happen to anyone. OK, back to the story. Moments after the doctor’s left my room, a social worker came by to visit with me. The social worker was the one of the few people I told I was living with HIV. The social worker explained HIV and how the virus works in the body. She also explained the different medications I would be taking and how the medications would help me fight the virus. Lastly, she made some recommendations on what I should do once I returned to Austin after my brother’s funeral. • Follow up medical care • A place where I could get my daughter’s tested • I join a support group This first experience at sharing my status paved the way for my ability to accept I was HIV positive. When I shared my status with the social worker, she did not treat me any differently than before. She treated me with dignity and respect, and she equipped me with tools that made me feel like I could have a life. After she left, I created a list of priorities. I had to decide if I was going to stay in school. I was attending the University of Texas at Austin, working on my practicum in Social Work. I had to get my children tested. I had to figure out how I was going to get home to Dallas. I had to get to my children. I had to tell my children’s father because I had contacted the health department. I believe strongly in partner notification. I had to find a doctor, and I had to educate myself on the issues surrounding the HIV positive woman. I had so many questions. What kind of life will I have? Who will want a woman living with HIV? What about my church family? I have to admit, I was terrified of telling anyone. I knew though that there were some key people that needed to know because they were my support. I decided who I would tell and when. Remember, I had already told my mother and since she was with my family. She told them too. When you are looking to disclose something like HIV, you really have to be prepared. You have to be prepared for the individuals’ response. You have to know that you will be OK no matter their response. You also have to know the people you are planning to tell. For example, if you have a friend that is judgmental or not very supportive, perhaps that is not the best person to tell. That person may judge you and not be supportive. In other words – tell people that have historically been supportive and in your corner. That sounds like common sense but most often we ignore that basic rule. We are surprised when we tell someone important to us and they are not supportive. Support is so important that you must take the time and look to people that have demonstrated that they are in your corner – even if these people are not your birth family. Don’t destroy your chance at having a good start on your journey by bringing unnecessary challenges to the table. Tell those people in time – give yourself the best chance at a good start. It is going to be hard enough without the extra drama. Choosing to tell anyone is a hard decision it takes courage. So be sure you have thought very carefully about the who, what, when, where and why of it all before you share your HIV status. You have the right to continue your life with dignity. HIV is simply something new that you have learned and does not change you.